He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
