I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
