My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
