you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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