I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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