Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
