Soap is not a condiment
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize