Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize