Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
