just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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