Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
