her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize