I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
