So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My pussy is not your playground.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
