i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
