why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
