I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
