a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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