you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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