My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
