Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
