I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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