Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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