I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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