i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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