her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
