yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
