Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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