i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
