You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize