Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
