I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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