Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
