that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize