Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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