She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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