I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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