She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
