how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
