Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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