I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
