Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
