I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
