My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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