I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize