i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
