quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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