make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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