i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
People with herpes should wear stickers.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
