I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
