cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
