I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
