Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize