i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
