running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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