dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
