happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
